Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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