I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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