my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
