My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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