Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
