So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You made out with two different species that night
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
