I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
