today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You were trust falling into bushes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
