Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
they're like a gay fantastic four
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
