well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
