Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
