buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
