I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
