Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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