Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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