theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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