you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
