she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
