Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
