your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
