just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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