What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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