What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
