I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So much rum. So many feels.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
