She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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