I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
