We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
