ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
