I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
