I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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