When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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