i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
