My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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