i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
