She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
