I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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