Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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