make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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