can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
