Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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