Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
