either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
