tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
