I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
