Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
