rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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