I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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