Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
