Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
