its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
