I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
